What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
10.06.2025 00:46
I will be 64.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
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I never cut or harmed myself..
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
She wouldn,t have been !
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
(And it was in our own minds.)
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I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I don,t even have a pension.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
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His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
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I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
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But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
What was your biggest culture shock going to Europe?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
So whats the point in blame.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She found it foreign!.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
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But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Can an astrologer predict that someone is in a physical relationship before marriage?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But it wasn’t much.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Im still living with it.
We all went to grammer schools
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
This is soul school!.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She was in good health!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
It was going to be , some day.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
As i do to all so called friends.?
I waited trembling.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I was 9 years of age.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I write beautiful poetry .
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
But, we were locked up after school.
I was seconnd youngest,
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
One cannot live in the past .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I could never make a relationship work though!
Comes on , in middle age.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I was very sick at this time too.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I think the readers, may guess!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She loved him until the end.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I said to her
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But ive been too sick for many years..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
All the time i was locked up.
She married twice! .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
And i lived it daily.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
My family never makes their pension either.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
My life is so biszare .
Why did i forgive my father ?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
What did i know ?
Ive learnt so much.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Especially a lifetime of it.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
When she asked me how she looked .
Put me off passion for life!!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I have no regrets .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
So, i spoilt her more .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
We were not on the streets..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Would this be the day?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I was scared of men, in general
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Who then, do I blame.?
He knew the spot.
Was to survive, this bastard.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.